Seiko Club Singapore Museum

1 joke a day

ivan
1 joke a day
Sibei xianz....



Bored to death in office.



How about we share some jokes?



1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.



2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.



3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."



4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.



5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.



6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."



7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."



8. When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her. When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her. When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her. When she is 48 – She is a ping pong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.



9. At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give. At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious. At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy. At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year. At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.





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lunarin79
Re: 1 joke a day
LOL!!



I LIKE No.3!!!!
aiken74
Re: 1 joke a day
bro urs abt relationship...i rike it man.. ;)



here ish sumtin abt watches...



Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.



The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.



The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.



"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day
What colour is spiderman?
lunarin79
Re: 1 joke a day

"herzausstahl"

What colour is spiderman?


white colour :|



:lol:
herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day

"lunarin79"

[quote="herzausstahl"]What colour is spiderman?


white colour :|



:lol:[/quote]

:lol: :lol:
ivan
1 joke a day

"herzausstahl"

What colour is spiderman?

是白的man



:lol:





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herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day
小明是喝牛奶长大。大明呢？
jaded
Re: 1 joke a day

"herzausstahl"

小明是喝牛奶长大。大明呢？


drink alchohol!



coz 'jiu yang da ming'
herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day
Spiderman 在游乐场跌倒。Who help him: Batman, Doraemon, or Superman?
herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day
小弟弟没穿裤跑来跑去。



猜成语！
ivan
1 joke a day

"herzausstahl"

Spiderman 在游乐场跌倒。Who help him: Batman, Doraemon, or Superman?


Batman.

蝙扶侠





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lunarin79
Re: 1 joke a day
haha, no doubt these are funny jokes but it'll be better if we switch to Class 95fm instead of 93.3fm for most jokes/riddles,lol



some bros might nt be able to read/understand mandarin :mrgreen:



tankew tankew
herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day

"ivan"

[quote="herzausstahl"]Spiderman 在游乐场跌倒。Who help him: Batman, Doraemon, or Superman?


Batman.

蝙扶侠





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No.... is Doraemon, 应为他伸出圆手。。。。



ivan
1 joke a day
A girl asked her boyfriend what ABCDEFG means, the boy said: "A Boy Can Do Everything For Girlfriend." The girl was very happy. But, obviously, she forgot that there are HIJK after that:















"He Is Just Kidding"





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ivan
1 joke a day
A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps a person who lies. He decided to try it during dinner.



Dad: Son, where were you at noon?

Son: At school. ......*robot slaps son*

Son: OK! I'm watching DVDs with my friends.



Dad: What DVD?

Son: Toy Story. *robot slaps him*

Son: Ok! I was watching porn.

Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't know what porn is. *robot slaps dad*



Mom: HAHA! He's definitely your son. *robot slaps mom*





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Yeoman
Re: 1 joke a day

"herzausstahl"

小弟弟没穿裤跑来跑去。



猜成语！


SMLJ 咯 :lol: :lol: :lol:
lunarin79
Re: 1 joke a day

"Yeoman"




SMLJ 咯 :lol: :lol: :lol:


:o :o



yeoman kor kor sho cleber!
herzausstahl
Re: 1 joke a day

"Yeoman"

[quote="herzausstahl"]小弟弟没穿裤跑来跑去。



猜成语！


SMLJ 咯 :lol: :lol: :lol:[/quote]

lol... 掉儿浪荡
ivan
1 joke a day

"Yeoman"

[quote="herzausstahl"]小弟弟没穿裤跑来跑去。



猜成语！


SMLJ 咯 :lol: :lol: :lol:[/quote]

Smlj.... Hokkien also count meh?





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davtse
Re: 1 joke a day

"ivan"

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps a person who lies. He decided to try it during dinner.



Dad: Son, where were you at noon?

Son: At school. ......*robot slaps son*

Son: OK! I'm watching DVDs with my friends.



Dad: What DVD?

Son: Toy Story. *robot slaps him*

Son: Ok! I was watching porn.

Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn't know what porn is. *robot slaps dad*



Mom: HAHA! He's definitely your son. *robot slaps mom*





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hahahaa nice one!



A man was fighting with his ex-wife for the custody of his child.

the wife, in tears, described to the judge how much pain she had been through during the 9 months of pregnancy, how much she had given up in order to ensure that the child would be healthy and strong, and how much mental anguish she was going through because she missed her flesh and blood.

Being a fair man, the judge asked the father for his side of the story before he made judgement.

the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Your honour, If you had a dollar and put it into a drinks vending machine, does the canned drink that comes out belong to you or the machine?"
big-e-294
Re: 1 joke a day

"ivan"

A girl asked her boyfriend what ABCDEFG means, the boy said: "A Boy Can Do Everything For Girlfriend." The girl was very happy. But, obviously, she forgot that there are HIJK after that:















"He Is Just Kidding"





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:lol: :lol:

i like this one
oOsiMm
Re: 1 joke a day
Tricking a Nun







A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.



The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."



The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."



The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.



The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.



After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "



The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
oOsiMm
Re: 1 joke a day
Three Daughters





There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married".



So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it". The parents couldn't afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.



So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.



The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."



Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled".



Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full
oOsiMm
Sinkiepore Jokes
1)At Golden Shoe Car Park down the in the business district, a young, attractive lady executive was trying to park her brand new car. After a lot of circling, she spotted an empty lot. However, an old man was standing beside it. Being polite, she stopped her car and asked the old man in her poor Hokkien, "Ah Pek, wu lang pak, boh?" ("Uncle, is there anyone parking here?")



Almost instantly the old man slaps her face, pulls down his pants, displaying his manhood, and yells, "Nah! lum par teh chi tao!" ("Here! My genitals are right here!")



(explanation for non-Hokkien speakers: "Wu lang pak boh?" sounds a lot like "Wu lum par, boh?" which means, "Do you have genitals?")







2)During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.



That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.



The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.



Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.



Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."



Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."



"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself



"Aim..."



"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "





3)
ivan
1 joke a day
Nice ones! Bro oOsiMm.

Ha ha ha...... :lol:



I like the nun and the last ones.









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ivan
1 joke a day
One day, a business man called his home to chat with his wife. He spoke ," Hello, darling!" Then a woman replied, "Sorry, I'm not your darling". The business man then asked her, " Who are you?" and she replied, " I'm the maid, newly employed today." Then he state, " That is strange, how come my darling never tell me about it. Can you ask her pick up the phone?" The maid rush upstairs then came down stair and tell the business man, " Madam is busy making Lo** with a man in the room." The business man is so furious then tell the maid, " Do you want to earn $100,000?" The maid replied, " Of course!" The business man then said, you go to my study room get the shot gun and shoot both of them. With this, the maid acknowledge his order and he heard two loud bang. The maid then come down and ask the business man, " I had killed them already, but there is no shot gun only pistol. How should I dispose their bodies?" The business man then replied, " Pistol? Then never mind, dump them into the swimming pool". The maid then said, " Sir, but your house don't have swimming pool." After a min of silence, the business man ask her, is this 6123 4567? ***





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Pipwatch
Re: 1 joke a day

"ivan"

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps a person who lies. He decided to try it during dinner...


Ha ha - this one is classic!!
Pipwatch
Re: 1 joke a day
I must admit I nicked this but I like it so much I thought I'd share it. (Names have been changed to protect me.)



Jim and his wife Jenny go to the state fair every year, and every year Jim would say, "Jenny, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."



Jenny always replied, "I know Jim, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"



One year Jim and Jenny went to the fair, and Jim said, "Jenny, I'm 88 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."



To this, Jenny replied, "Jim that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."



The pilot overheard the couple and said, "folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty bucks."



Jim and Jenny agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.



When they landed, the pilot turned to Jim and said, "Wow, I did everything I could to get you to beg me to stop, but you didn't. I'm sure amazed! "



Jim replied, "Well, to be perfectly straight, I almost said something when Jenny fell out. But as Jenny used to say, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
ivan
1 joke a day
Heard this over the Lalio.



When 3 persons r having sex, we said threesome



When 2 persons r having sex, we said twosomes.



So, dun be happy if people say u r handsome!



:lol:





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MeePokMan
Re: 1 joke a day
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.

The judge said to the man, "In the 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"



The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

first of all, it's none of your damn business...

second of all, she was my wife...

and third of all, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way in bed!"
ivan
1 joke a day

"MeePokMan"

A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.

The judge said to the man, "In the 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key!"



The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:

first of all, it's none of your damn business...

second of all, she was my wife...

and third of all, I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way in bed!"


Ha ha ha.

Thanks!





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ivan
1 joke a day
A man said to his wife, "If I can turn back the hands of time, I will marry you again." The wife was very touched and asked "Why?"

























The man replied, "Because I'm the kind of guy who will make the same mistake twice!"





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johnwongtw
Re: 1 joke a day
The scene takes place in a doctor's office.



Doctor: Ma'am, I am sorry to inform you that your husband is going to die, he is under tremendous pressure and stress. However there may be a cure, all you have to do is to help relieve some of that stress. Do not interupt when he speaks, do not argue, just agree with him. When he gets home from work, give him a nice massage and cook his favourite dishes. Prepare a warm bath for him, pamper him and give him a back scrub once in a while. Do not demand anything from the poor man, do not buy any expensive shoes or bags and this may put financial strain on him. Do not demand for expensive holidays, let him decide where to go and when you should go.



The wife nodded and walked out of the doctors room. Outside, her anxious husband asked "How bad is it?"



Wife : The doctor said you are going to die.
sellwatch
Re: 1 joke a day
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten

million bucks.



His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first

place.



It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might

have to testify about in court.



When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10

million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.



The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he

embezzled from me is.



The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.



The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."



The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're

talking about."



The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and

says, "Ask him again!"



The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell

him!"



The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,

buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"



The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"



The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the

trigger."
seiko siao
Re: 1 joke a day
my turn to contribute.



1 day char siew bao(叉烧包 )when to watch a movie and cried. Why？



Because he got feeling(filling).



another day char siew bao and man tou(馒头) when to watch the same movie and char siew bao cried again but man tou was motionless thru out the movie.Why？



Because man tou got no feeling(filling).



again the next day char siew bao when to the same movie with dou sha bao (豆沙包) and as usual char siew bao cried but dou sha bao was lauging thru the whole movie.Why？



because both of them had different feeling(filling).



the last day of the movie,char siew bao again when to watch it but was accompany by da bao(大包) and once again char siew bao was crying,thru the whole movie and da bao was crying for a part of the movie,laughing for some part of the movie and finally motionless for part of the movie too.Why？



because da bao got mixed feeling(filling)



hope all bro enjoyed that.



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chriscentro
Re: 1 joke a day
so many people birthdays today ah :lol:

Andoy
Re: 1 joke a day
An old farmer wrote to his innocent son in prison: "This year I am unable to plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if you were here you would've helped me."



Son replied: "You idiot! Don't dig the ground! I have guns hidden there!"



Police read the letter, next day the ground was dug by the police, searched for guns but nothing was found.



Son wrote again: "Now plant your potatoes dad, it's the best I can do from here."





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Andoy
Re: 1 joke a day
[emoji1360][emoji2960]



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